It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
