ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
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Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
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