Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
