i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Randomize
