I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
