It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize