he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I just had sex on a roof
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
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