Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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