Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
My ass is underappreciated
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
