When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize
