i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
