Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
