Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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