The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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