her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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