Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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