At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
