Banned from zoo.
Again?
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
