I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
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