The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
