I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Hello my rib-scented angel!
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
