I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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