I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize
