I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
