So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Randomize
