I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
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