Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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