Dude my mom stole all your condoms
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Randomize
