I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
