Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
