If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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