Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
