O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
