just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
