I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Randomize
