Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
