My nipple is on Facebook.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
