You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
