Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
