dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
