I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I need to sanitize my soul.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize
