Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
