I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Randomize
