come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
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