You kept calling me your small dog last night.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
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