If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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