Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
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