wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
