So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Randomize
