i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Randomize
