I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize