my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
