I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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