I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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