Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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