A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Randomize
